Bill Simmons destroys Rasheed Wallace

ESPN's Bill Simmons has one helluva column on the Celtics and Rasheed Wallace:

Wallace is only a 35-year-old bench player on a pseudo-contender that will lose in Round 1 or 2 of the playoffs. But it's been a decidedly unhappy regular season for a 50-win team. Forget about Kevin Garnett's balky knee or Paul Pierce's aching body -- there were damaging trade rumors, young guns (Kendrick Perkins and Rajon Rondo) rebelling against the old guard, legitimate alpha dog and chemistry issues, a coach who can't consistently motivate his team or settle on a rotation, ongoing rebounding woes and, worst of all, old legs. Only Rondo's individual brilliance made things tolerable. Everything else felt like the basketball version of that movie in which Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet scream at each other for two hours.

I can't disagree with anything in that paragraph. Or the two below.

Sheed likes jogging at half-speed. He submits entire sequences -- two or three minutes at a time, six or seven trips up and down the court -- without ever passing either foul line. Sometimes I count to see how many consecutive possessions Sheed can pull off without crossing either charity stripe. His unofficial record is nine.

Sheed doesn't rebound as much as debound. "Lazy" isn't a strong enough word. He always seems to be standing in the wrong spot. He constantly forgets to box out. His hops are long gone, so balls routinely bounce over his head to opposing players. When matched against a hustler like Anderson Varejao, it's like watching a golden retriever fight off a Rottweiler. Advanced metrics prove that he's a catastrophic offensive rebounder and someone who subtly altered the identity of this season's Celtics team. (See sidebar.) So there's that.

The column is a hilarious and, unfortunately for us fans craving another title, all true.