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Red's Army

Foolproof plans to ensure a Celtics victory

Henry Schwan May 30, 2012 Celtics News 9 Comments

The Celtics need to win tonight. Falling behind 2-0 to the Heat could be a death sentence. Better defensive rebounding and foul shooting would be nice, a consistent 48 minutes from Rajon Rondo, and someone other than Kevin Garnett as a scoring option would go a long way to giving the C’s a realistic chance to win game two.

If none of that works, then it’s time to get in the heads of the Heat to throw off their game. There are several ways to do this. Hide LeBron’s silly XVI mouthpiece; it would be like cutting Samson’s hair. Tell D-Wade that Avery Bradley never had surgery and will play in game 2, leaving D-Wade in a cold sweat thinking about getting his shot blocked by a two guard whose left arm is about to fall off. Or let D-Wade know that Coach Spoelstra said something about is mom, which will set D-Wade off on a tirade like the one he exhibited in the Pacers series.

Paul Pierce could always put on a Tyler Hansbrough mask on one of his drives to the hoop, setting Udonis Haslem off on a path of destruction that will lead to another suspension. Vince McMahon could give Dexter Pittman an offer he can’t refuse to leave the Heat and join the WWE; just ask the Pacers Lance Stephenson if Pittman has perfected the flying forearm shiver. A Celtics staffer could be instructed to hide Chris Bosh’s peach colored pants, leaving the Heat without their game 1 lucky charm.

There’s more. Lock Shane Battier in a closet so that the Duke grad can’t explain Coach Spoelstra’s diagrammed plays to his intellectually challenged teammates. Tell the hobbling Mike Miller that his achy body is now under the care of Red Sox team doctors. He’ll then have to miss tonight’s game so he can fly to Alabama to get a second opinion from Dr. Andrews. Kidnap Heat boss Pat Riley, put him in a padded room, and force him to watch old pal Magic Johnson’s inane analysis of Heat-Celtics. The Heat grand poobah will surely lose his marbles, leaving the rudderless Heat wondering what happened to their babbling brylcreem boss.

The Celtics must get solid contributions from everyone tonight in order to win game 2. A victory will plant serious doubt in the minds of the Heat that this series is not a Heat cakewalk to the NBA Finals. If that is not possible because of Paul’s knee, Ray’s ankle, or Rondo’s inconsistency, then it’s time to fall back on a foolproof plan. Find the guy who whacked Nancy Kerrigan on the knee way back in 1994, and hire him to do the same to LeBron as he’s running onto the AmericanAirlines Arena floor for warm-ups. Instead of Kerrigan’s famous “Why me!!!”, LeBron will wail “I’m taking my talents to the University of Miami emergency room!!!!” Enjoy tonight’s game Celtics Nation.

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  • paul

    The really crazy thing is, the Cs might just have to play like they mean it. Sheeh, I know it’s a lot to ask, man, but there it is. They just might have to play with a touch of urgency tonight, maybe even a smidgeon. I know that’s going to an extreme, but it’s come to that.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/6p01157053529f970b zippittyay

    OK, what is it with the “XVI” mouthpiece? Is that how many seasons he plans on playing in the NBA without a ring?

  • roy

    it means 16 wins to the championship

  • Bobby

    terrible post, miami bloggers will eat this up, we need not think of gimmicks to beat these guys, just gotta believe.
    we got this

  • Rosef

    This is lame. Really I think the Celtics have been pressing too hard and caught up in the “everyone doubts us we need to overcome everything” mentality and get back to enjoying the process. Supreme effort is required but enjoyment and energy is infectious. Everyone knows Miami is a different animal when they face diversity, its time to punch them in the mouth and smile while doing it. Also I would like to emphasize again that this blog post is remarkably lame. Peace. god bless. go C’s!

  • Rosef

    **when facing adversity.

  • SF Celts Fan

    I’m predicting that Ray gets hot tonight. Watch for it.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/6p01157053529f970b zippittyay

    *pukes*

  • SamR

    How about “have officials that will call a foul when Rondo gets his head smashed, and Wade kicks KG in the leg.”
    Oh, and to clarify, will call a foul on the kicker in the latter example, not the person whose thigh got in the way of Wade’s foot.