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Red's Army

A letter from The Commish

KWAPT October 21, 2010 Uncategorized 4 Comments

I got this email from NBA.com today. It was a bit odd. Anyone else get one of these?

Following a classic Finals and a most eventful offseason, we are anticipating a great 2010-11 season. And now that Lebron has “taken his talents to South Beach,” (man I love that!) I will do everything in my power to have the Heat on national television everytime they play. Our players worked tirelessly this summer in preparation for the coming year, except probably for Eddy Curry, and many teams revamped their rosters with draft picks, trades, and free-agent signings. I am certain that you will be treated to great competition night in and night out as the season unfolds. We also have placed computer chips in the brains of each ref, and I can now control their every move from my secret lair. It was so much fun last week to get KG t’ed up and ejected via my universal remote. It will be intriguing to see which team is able to combine extraordinary skill and determination with the right chemistry to take home The Larry O'Brien Trophy next June.

Due to last year’s Sprite Slam Dunk contest completely sucking, we will be replacing it with a new event called “The Dougie-off”. NBA players will compete against NBA officials in the ultimate “Dougie dance” battle. Dick Bavetta has already announced that he will be participating, and let me tell you, no one can mess with Dickie B’s Dougie.

The action tips off Tuesday, Oct. 26, with four days of alternating doubleheaders on TNT and ESPN followed by three nights of primetime matchups on NBA TV. Opening night on TNT features the Celtics hosting my favorites, the Heat and a matchup between the Lakers (yay Kobe!) and the Rockets.

And by the way, enjoy the NBA now, because I am in the process of making sure it will suck for years to come.

Enjoy the season!

David J. Stern
NBA Commissioner

Editor's Note: This is not actually a letter from David Stern. It's a parody of an email sent to fans who subscribe to NBA.com All Access.

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  • Mike Munger-Return to the Rafters

    LOVE IT KWAPT!!! Stern is everything wrong with the NBA and his love for all things refs, Heat, and Lakers proves it.

  • Lee in Oregon

    Goodnite Seattle!

  • Dirk

    Haha. I did receive a letter from the Dictator today, but it’s a bit different, though still odd. Quite useless letter I may say.
    I expected some kind of offer or discount for being a dia hard fan… innocent of me!

  • marron afable

    Get John Wall in “The-Dougie-Off” HAHAHA