By now you know about the letter Dan Gilbert wrote to Cavs fans about LeBron. It was passionate… it was heart felt… and unfortunately… it was written in the Comic Sans font.
It's unfortunate because he used a font which has a name that could easily be replaced by his own. More than a few folks on Twitter have already started calling the font "Comic Dans".
Such a shame.
Well… free agency isn't over… and guys are probably still going to switch teams. That means owners may well decide to pen similar letters to their fan bases encouraging them to keep hope alive while disparaging their former player.
So as a public service to them, we have come up with the top 5 fonts that should be used in place of Comic Dans… er… Sans.. to give their "hey, screw you buddy" letters some more oomph.
#5: French Script MT
This is such a dignified font. Remember owners… you guys are billionaires. You're all better than us. Drive that point home with lettering that borders on snobbish. It will read as if you're speaking through clenched jaw as you adjust your ascot. It's almost as if you dipped your quill in a well of ink and slathered your perfect penmanship directly on my screen.
Hit your fleeing star with a guilt trip that will make him feel like he's being shipped off to boarding school, not some cabana on South Beach.
Leave the emotion to us fans. We're the ones crazy enough to burn jerseys and overturn cars just because one guy won't play sports within our borders. Stencil is so cold and emotionless, it practically has a German accent. It's the gray business suit/red power tie of fonts. It tells your exiting megalomaniac "Fine, go… see if I care."
Plus, as a business man, you might be able to get your letter sponsored by the new A-Team movie. With the extra cash, you can continue to pad your bank account rather than pay more luxury tax for a quality supporting cast.
Remember, you just got jilted by a guy in his early 20's who thinks he knows it all. So why not throw a monkey wrench at him on his way out?
Picture his confusion as he looks at screen full of astrological signs, mailboxes, and random shapes. He won't know if you're trashing him, or sending a love letter to his momma. If you're lucky, the mind-bending puzzle consumes him for the upcoming season and you'll be the hero for letting the head-case walk for nothing.
#2: Old English Text MT
If your boorish former superstar so desperately wants to consider himself as some kind of royalty, then why not use a font that speaks his language? It's regal… and it tells him "Hey man, I'm so serious, that I'm channeling the ACTUAL King James to make my point."
And as with Stencil, there is an added marketing opportunity. Not only can your font be sponsored by 40oz. Malt Liquors… it can be printed onto apparel for local rappers.
Because in the end, you need to be seen too, right? Why is he the only one who gets to showboat?
So grab your ownership team, toss some baby powder in the air, pose for a fake picture, and make promises that only big-market, nice-weather owners have a shot at fulfilling. Why? Because you're the rich bastard who had the idea to cry poor and beg for taxpayer money to build the huge arena that now adds zeroes to your bank account while the rest of the city goes to shit. You've earned this moment… so seize it.
I hope this helps. Remember, owners, perception is reality. Don't blow your big moment. The right font might be the one that makes that next free agent stick around.